I'm going to starve

Thursday, January 21st

I decided on this day that I was going to starve. I can't eat anything! I looked around my office and empty my snack drawer into the trash. I looked at my lunch options and decide to have a banana. I looked around my house and decide a block of cheese is my only safe option.

I couldn't help wondering if I was always going to feel deprived, if I was always going to be hungry.

Throughout the day, more and more things keep adding to the list of things I can't have anymore. I am grateful that I got married before diagnosis so I could enjoy the fabulous food and wedding cake. Then I am grateful that most of my friends have gotten married as well, so I could have their wedding cakes as well!

I cried quite a bit that day. I cried because I was hungry. I cried when I thought of giving up Bud Light or Blue Moon. I cried at the idea of any major holiday, celebration or even SuperBowl Sunday. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I was crying. And then I just got pissed.

I was mad, irritated, and down-right pissed. First of all, I was pissed that this even existed, a disease that acts like an allergy, except makes you sick, and requires a strict regulation of gluten intake. Who comes up with this stuff? Second of all, I was pissed that I was getting this damn mad about it. So what? I was alive and, soon, with help of a new diet, would be healthy. I am not dying, I don't have to have any aggressive treatments, I don't have to take lots of pills everyday. So what? I change my freakin' diet and I get better. Ta da! Some people have real problems. As one of my friends put it, "I mean there are people dying in Haiti." That statement put life into rather harsh perspective. I acknowledged that in the grand-scheme of life this may be a defining moment, but not "the" defining moment. Still, on that day, the changes that were going to be necessary seemed insurmountable.

That afternoon my husband came home with a basket of flowers, and gluten-free flours. We made gluten free pancakes for dinner that night. It made me fall in love with him all over again, and for a few moments, distracted me from my feelings of anger and helplessness.