Why yes, I have been staring at this bottle of ranch dressing for 20 minutes

Friday, January 22nd

On this day I am 5 months from turning 30. My husband and I talked of wanting to start a family this year, and January is the first month in this new year. Then the bombshell of a celiac diagnosis and my mind-set shifted entirely from baby-making to gluten-free bread making.

On this morning, as he has done every Monday, Wednesday and Friday since, my husband got up and made me a gluten free breakfast of homemade hashbrowns and eggs. I teach early classes those mornings and if I don't eat breakfast I feel very sick and very weak. I used to grab something to eat in the car on the 20 minute ride, but most of those items are gluten-filled. I can't believe he wants to get out of bed before he has to make me breakfast. I love having that time, however brief it is, together in the mornings.

Today is bigger than me however, for today, I tackle the grocery store. I feel confident in saying I spent less time in the store where I picked and bought my wedding dress than I did the grocery store on this particular day. I spent hours reading ingredient labels, trying to understand words I had never seen before and usually couldn't pronounce. At this point I have still not been back to the doctor and the Internet sites seem conflicted about whether MSG is bad or harmful for celiac's, so I decide best to avoid it. That small decision cut out another huge portion of things I couldn't eat. I tear up several times, and just decide to avoid the cereal and cookie aisle at all cost.

I spent a good 20 minutes in the salad dressing aisle trying to find a ranch dressing or mix without MSG. I gave up, defeated, and continued on my quest to finding the "gluten free" land. Well, when I got there, I realized it wasn't so much a land, as three shelves on a short aisle of organic, vegan, or allergen-friendly foods. I saw mostly an array of flours I had never heard of in varieties I never knew existed. Who knew tapioca had a flour? And who chews Xanthan gum? I settle on some gluten free pre-made cookies, some rice mac & cheese, and some Quinoa pasta (Quinoa-another word I was unfamiliar with). When the cashier hit the "total" button on the register, I realized a new and before absent side effect of celiac's--it has a sneaky ability to rid you of your hard-earned money before you can crunch into a gluten-free wafer bar. To this day the sticker-shock has not worn off and I am still amazed at how expensive gluten-free foods are. I realize I may have to be willing to buy less shoes and have less-amazing looking footwear in order to have a more-amazing looking intestine. I have often made sacrifices in the name of fashion, but I can no longer afford to be making sacrifices in the name of health.

WAY late update: Two weeks after my celiac diagnosis I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Mothers with undiagnosed celiac disease can experience low birth weight babies, babies born with neural tube defects and an increased risk of preterm labor. Thank God for my timely diagnosis--He works in miraculous ways.

Cameron Rhodes Scott was born on November 3, 2011 (2 weeks late!) at a healthy 8 lbs, 2 oz.

I'm going to starve

Thursday, January 21st

I decided on this day that I was going to starve. I can't eat anything! I looked around my office and empty my snack drawer into the trash. I looked at my lunch options and decide to have a banana. I looked around my house and decide a block of cheese is my only safe option.

I couldn't help wondering if I was always going to feel deprived, if I was always going to be hungry.

Throughout the day, more and more things keep adding to the list of things I can't have anymore. I am grateful that I got married before diagnosis so I could enjoy the fabulous food and wedding cake. Then I am grateful that most of my friends have gotten married as well, so I could have their wedding cakes as well!

I cried quite a bit that day. I cried because I was hungry. I cried when I thought of giving up Bud Light or Blue Moon. I cried at the idea of any major holiday, celebration or even SuperBowl Sunday. I cried because I was frustrated. I cried because I was crying. And then I just got pissed.

I was mad, irritated, and down-right pissed. First of all, I was pissed that this even existed, a disease that acts like an allergy, except makes you sick, and requires a strict regulation of gluten intake. Who comes up with this stuff? Second of all, I was pissed that I was getting this damn mad about it. So what? I was alive and, soon, with help of a new diet, would be healthy. I am not dying, I don't have to have any aggressive treatments, I don't have to take lots of pills everyday. So what? I change my freakin' diet and I get better. Ta da! Some people have real problems. As one of my friends put it, "I mean there are people dying in Haiti." That statement put life into rather harsh perspective. I acknowledged that in the grand-scheme of life this may be a defining moment, but not "the" defining moment. Still, on that day, the changes that were going to be necessary seemed insurmountable.

That afternoon my husband came home with a basket of flowers, and gluten-free flours. We made gluten free pancakes for dinner that night. It made me fall in love with him all over again, and for a few moments, distracted me from my feelings of anger and helplessness.

D-Day

Wednesday, January 20th was a day that changed my life. There have been others, and I am sure there will be more. But in my recent history as a young woman, this day changed my life in ways I could not fully understand then, and still, quite possibly, understand now. I call this D-Day: Diagnosis Day.

Before January 20th the word gluten sounded like one of the seven deadly sins; wheat was only mentioned when asked, "white or wheat bread, ma'am;" and barley---well, I could have sworn that was the name of the drunk guy in the Simpsons. I lived a life of what I now call food-convenience, grabbing sandwich/fastfood lunches several times a week, dining out with reckless abandon and chowing down on any tasty pre-packaged snack food. I loved, no, adored bread in all it's magnificence forms, and even remember telling my husband in our first year of marriage, "No dinner is complete without a bread." French, Italian, roll, crescent---it did not matter it's shape nor nationality, I loved bread. And, in that moment my bread-basket life came to a screeching halt.

"Sarah, I have been trying to get in touch with you all week. We have your biopsy results back. Sarah, have you heard of celiac disease?"

"Yes, I have heard of it."

"We need to make you an appointment to come back in to talk with someone."

I hung up the phone after making a return appointment and my to-do list that sat before me got shoved to the side. One thing was on my mind....and on my Internet search. Google "celiac." Google "gluten free." Google "treatment of celiac." Google "causes of celiac." Google "symptoms of celiac." Google "what the hell can I eat if I have celiac?"

Tears welled up in my eyes as I ran through a laundry list of things I can't eat anymore....no more bread, pasta, turkey stuffing, pies, cakes, my dad's oatmeal cookies, my mom's quiche, my grandmother's red velvet cake, Papa Johns pizza, oh! and no more Krispy Kreme donuts!! I was intoxicated by the list of "can't have" to the point where the room was spinning and food all of the sudden gained superiority over me. I felt, immediately confined and restricted. I felt my body was betraying me and food tricking me. It's like finding out your loved one has been lying to you for years and now has condemned you to a life of mistrust.

I called my parents and my husband. This is going to change all of our realities. If we believe the assumption that we create our own realities, ours is getting ready to undergo some major reconstruction.